Kiss of Betrayal

I've been working my way through the book of Mark for about 2 months... This is depressing... It hasn't taken me this long because of the depth of my reading (though sometimes I really focus on small sections), but rather how intermittent my scripture reading has been (I am reading other stuff... but I have been guilty of spending more time on books about the Bible than the Bible itself which is lame and I'm working on it...)

Anyway...

I just read for the one hundred sixty third time the betrayal of Christ... and the kiss of Judas is really bothering me...

At the moment where Judas is finishing his whole brilliant plan of betraying the Master and Commander of the entire Universe, he doesn't point him out from a distance and then scurry away from the wrath that he should surely incur... Rather, he gets right up in the face of the man he is about to hand over, and kisses him...

Yikes...

The final step of the plan is one of the most intimate actions that occurs in a relationship (next to holding hands... but that is my own ridiculous rant that I will save for a more opportune time). He gets right up in there and pretends everything is normal.

Peter jumps up flailing a sword, and then later we see him betraying Christ in his own way...

So what about me...

I am quick to jump up and defend Christ or my interpretation of Christ's teachings in some arenas... But then how often do I betray him... Be it publicly or in my own personal struggles... And as I betray him how often do I step up and kiss him on the cheek... How often do I spend Sunday mornings praising him, and then spend the rest of the day judging people, gossiping, slandering, lusting, coveting, backing down or remaining silent in conversations with my extended family...

If I'm honest, I betray Christ so often it's just ridiculous... How lukewarm am I? I'm reading Crazy Love right now, and there's a whole chapter devoted to being lukewarm... it's crazy, scary, convicting, and depressing... I have spent the last week and a half repenting of who I have become...

I guess I am just trying to acknowledge that I need to change...

I have become self-absorbed, self-glorifying, selfish, prideful, bitter, insecure, bored, and jaded... I betray Christ constantly with my decisions, my attitudes, and certainly my actions...

Judas just helped me realize how even when I draw near to Christ, I am in danger of my intentions being more along the lines of trying to go through the motions of being close to God, while meanwhile I have so many other motives that I have no business even muttering the name of our Lord....

God Help Me...