Interesting experience... As swarms of trendy/artsy looking individuals and men that look like old washed up pastors looking for the next trend to latch on to scurry from session to session, I can't help but feel a bit out of place...
I'm not trendy... And I'd like to think I don't think I qualify as a person looking to hook up with the next trend (which will prove to be hollow as people attempt to replicate methods without genuine/authentic heart behind it, but that's a different post)...
So I'm stuck somewhere in the middle...
I find myself in this position quite a bit... I frequently don't feel like I actually belong or fit in... I know that almost everyone would say they feel like this so it's completely normal, blah, blah, blah, but I really am at a weird place...
I don't fit in at work/church... long story with lots of thoughts... I'll save it for later...
I don't fit in with my age group... I'm a college kid still... Often I feel like I'm surrounded by all these trendy individuals listening to music I've never heard of, wearing clothes I can't pull off, and using words I have to look up... I used to be cool... Now I'm old...
I don't fit in with friends. I feel awkward all the time (something I do to myself... and which I often take joy in...) and I often feel pretty lonely...
I sometimes don't even fit in with my family... How lame is that! I have an awesome family, but I've been at school for the last 3 years... sometimes I need to ask my brother where things are in the house because they've moved around... Sometimes my family has inside jokes that I'm not a part of (seriously lame!!!)...
It's a weird place and I don't like it... I've got a few things I'm trying to move past this, but I still feel a bit stuck...
I know I'm surrounded by people that love me... My family rocks, I have friends, and I have a little support at church/work (very little)... but I still feel like I can complain (a major failing in my life).
I don't know where I'm going with all this... It started as an acknowledgement of visible differences at this conference and ended in wollowing in self-pity...
But I guess there's always light at the end of the tunnel...
A savior that carries us through times that we feel alone...
Scripture littered with promises and prophecies...
And in the end, Jesus loves me, this I know...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Leaning Forward
We're comfortable...
We're comfortable with routine, we're comfortable with expectations, we're comfortable with the standard, and we're comfortable with sustaining...
In a recent conversation with a friend I was talking about the Praise&Worship ministry that I am a leader of at school... I was talking about a vision where rather than the community of worshipers leaning forward to and anticipating each Thursday night worship gathering, they would view it as an opportunity to lean back or "touch down"...
By this I mean that the community would be reaching out in this world and seeking out God's face in the hungry, the oppressed, the naked, and the voiceless, and then would take our worship gathering as a time to meet as a community that cries out to the Lord through song and builds each other up...
Too often I receive comments from people that make it seem that our gathering is the one hour they come to get filled up and then rather than spending the other 167 hours of the week pouring out the Love of Christ and being the hands and feet of God, they self-indulge and sit around waiting for the next week of "emotional pump up time".
I am far from adequate... I am selfish, prideful, undisciplined, jealous, reserved, and awkward... So I am by no means saying that I have got things under wraps, but I am currently trying to lean forward in my life, rather than always leaning back and then jumping to attention during Sunday morning or Thursday night "worship".
I don't know if this analogy works... It makes sense in my mind, but one of my failings is communication... so if this is nothing more than a giant rambling for you I am sorry, but it has helped me work a few things out... so maybe this post is just for me...
And that's all I have to say about that...
We're comfortable with routine, we're comfortable with expectations, we're comfortable with the standard, and we're comfortable with sustaining...
In a recent conversation with a friend I was talking about the Praise&Worship ministry that I am a leader of at school... I was talking about a vision where rather than the community of worshipers leaning forward to and anticipating each Thursday night worship gathering, they would view it as an opportunity to lean back or "touch down"...
By this I mean that the community would be reaching out in this world and seeking out God's face in the hungry, the oppressed, the naked, and the voiceless, and then would take our worship gathering as a time to meet as a community that cries out to the Lord through song and builds each other up...
Too often I receive comments from people that make it seem that our gathering is the one hour they come to get filled up and then rather than spending the other 167 hours of the week pouring out the Love of Christ and being the hands and feet of God, they self-indulge and sit around waiting for the next week of "emotional pump up time".
I am far from adequate... I am selfish, prideful, undisciplined, jealous, reserved, and awkward... So I am by no means saying that I have got things under wraps, but I am currently trying to lean forward in my life, rather than always leaning back and then jumping to attention during Sunday morning or Thursday night "worship".
I don't know if this analogy works... It makes sense in my mind, but one of my failings is communication... so if this is nothing more than a giant rambling for you I am sorry, but it has helped me work a few things out... so maybe this post is just for me...
And that's all I have to say about that...
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